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used yoga mat for sale

Used Yoga Mat For Sale: Where Mat User Went Wrong

used yoga mat for saleLast year the Craiglist ad, “Used Yoga Mat for Sale” went viral.  For anyone who has done Bikram yoga, the ad is hilarious.  The ad, however, is only humorous to those who have learned yoga etiquette.  There are “rules” one learns over time to survive the hot room.  This said Mat user, obviously didn’t take the time to learn the rules.  So you can avoid having an experience like his, here is where he went wrong:

  1.  “She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.” Don’t go to yoga with your number one goal to lose weight.  Yes you will most likely lose weight, but if you are focused on losing weight you are missing the yoga!  Part of yoga is pushing yourself so hard that you create a euphoric effect.  When you reach this state, you don’t want to fuel your body with sugar and fatty foods.  Yoga is a double whammy because not only are you exercising, but you also cleanse yourself from the inside out in a way no other exercise does.  For whatever reason, the majority of people don’t want to eat the way they used to after doing yoga.  This is what makes yoga so good for weight loss.  If you think you can go and just walk through the motions in the hot room, you will not be successful in losing weight.
  2. “Begin small talk with my bride to be.”  You shouldn’t talk in the hot room.  If you are talking in the hot room: 1) You are not centering and calming yourself and 2) You are most likely upsetting others around you creating negative energy for your class.  
  3. “She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor.”  Try not to “adjust” yourself.  Any excess movements between postures creates extra heat.  You want to work to be as still as possible.  It is hard to do, but when you can manage to be absolutely still, you will almost feel cool between postures.
  4. “We are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)…This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos.”  The mat user is allowing everything to steal his peace.  Yoga teaches you to block out the unpleasant.  Do what you need to do to be at peace in your mind.  Pretend to be at the beach on a sunny day; Floating on a magic carpet ride in the desert; but don’t think about the smell, the heat, or the humidity.
  5. “My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face…The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs.”  He continues to look around.  There are a lot of distractions, and everything will steal your peace if you keep looking around.  Try to focus on your eyes in the mirror.
  6. “Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed.”  He loses control of his breathing.  Through class you should always maintain normal breathing.  That is your number one goal.  In fact, if your breathing isn’t normal, as an instructor I would rather you stand still until you can at least work to have long slow inhales through the nose and long slow exhales through the nose.  Once you are able to breathe in the room, your practice will improve.

No one ever said practicing yoga etiquette was easy, but give it a try!  It changes the experience.  I definitely didn’t have it right when I first started.  It was pure pride that kept me going.  There was no way I was going to let yoga defeat me.  Once I let that go, I stopped struggling in class…most of the time. 🙂

used yoga mat for sale

Used Yoga Mat for Sale

used yoga mat for sale

A Craigs list Ad that went viral:  Just a little yoga humor:

Used Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiance may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.

Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.